Mountains are basically the earth’s passive-aggressive way of daring humans to climb stuff. They sit there, huge and indifferent, silently judging anyone who dares approach in fancy boots and overpriced backpacks. Mountain climbing is humanity’s oldest way of saying, "I'll show you, giant pile of rocks."
Why Even?
Most mountaineers climb because they love two things: dramatic selfies and telling non-climbers how dangerous their weekend was. Despite advancements in technology, mountains remain undefeated in their strategy of staying exactly where they are, forcing humans to do all the work.
"I climbed the mountain because it was there. Also, I forgot Netflix existed."
— Imaginary Famous Climber
Problems
- Discovering halfway up you forgot snacks, thereby ending friendships forever.
- Pretending to enjoy energy gels that taste like regret.
- Being out-climbed by someone’s dog named "Summit."
Mountain Wildlife
Mountain animals always appear mildly annoyed that humans choose to invade their neighborhoods. Goats effortlessly scaling sheer cliffs have no patience for hikers who can barely manage gentle inclines, giving judgmental side-eye that clearly says, "You're embarrassing yourself."
Evidence or It Didn’t Happen
Climbers must capture photos at the peak, partly for proof, mostly for Instagram likes. Experts agree that summiting doesn’t count unless at least 47 people validate your achievement online.
"Climbing is the only sport where achieving nothing (literally going up and then down) feels like everything."
— A Slightly Confused Mountaineer
- $500 jacket that claims it's waterproof but somehow isn’t.
- Snacks that taste worse the higher you climb.
- GPS devices that reliably lose signal exactly when needed most.
Remember, mountains existed long before humans started climbing them and will still exist long after humans find less exhausting hobbies. Until then, grab your expensive gear and your enthusiasm, because mountains will always be nature's way of gent
