What's the art of moving forward without actually getting anywhere?
Running.
Running is often described as the act of moving your legs rapidly in succession to achieve precisely nothing other than exhaustion, endorphins, and a strange sense of superiority over people who choose not to torture themselves. It's been scientifically unproven that runners actually enjoy running—they might simply pretend to impress their less sweaty friends.
"I run because I love pizza, and running justifies pizza. Otherwise, it's just punishment for no reason."
— Fictional Runner, Anonymous
Benefits Nobody Told You About
- Develop the ability to lie convincingly about enjoying discomfort.
- Acquire skills in gracefully avoiding eye contact while gasping for air.
- Master the art of telling people about your runs without them actually asking.
The Gear: Because Ordinary Shorts Aren’t Expensive Enough
Running gear manufacturers have perfected the science of convincing you that $200 shorts somehow drastically improve your performance compared to $20 ones—despite physics aggressively disagreeing. There are also shoes specifically designed for runners who run exclusively on Tuesdays during lunar eclipses, available in colors named "Exhaustion Orange" and "Regretful Green."
The Psychology of a Runner
Runners have uniquely complex relationships with themselves. While running, they oscillate between absolute confidence ("I am an unstoppable machine!") and immediate regret ("Why am I willingly choosing death?"). Yet somehow, at the end of each run, runners experience selective memory loss, conveniently forgetting the pain and deciding it was the "best thing ever."
"Running is great because it teaches me the precise point between enthusiasm and insanity."
— Anthony the fictional runner, Probably
Common Runner Excuses You May Recognize
- "My GPS watch lost signal, so technically today's run didn't count."
- "It's not too hot; it's just aggressively warm."
- "This run feels terrible, must be the shoes. Definitely not my lack of training."
In conclusion, running may be irrational, occasionally enjoyable, often painful, but undeniably addictive. Remember, every mile makes you slightly more insufferable—but at least you'll sleep better at night, knowing you've achieved exactly nothing but feeling spectacularly superior to your couch-bound friends.
